So Theoretically

Full term is 42 weeks. I wish someone had kept this information from the baby seeing as how she seems fully content to hang out until then -- I mean I know our 'official' due date is still five days from now but I just don't feel anything happening, if you know what I'm saying.

Making pies for Thanksgiving -- hopefully I won't eat an entire one before dinner at my mother's tomorrow.

Infertility's Wake

I am still pregnant and a week from our official due date.

I got some reassurance from our OB today that even if my water were to break before labor begins and I went immediately to the hospital (as they would like us to) that though it would mean a hep-lock & antibiotics it would not necessarily mean induction.

She did say that if, after 24 hours, things weren't moving along -- then they would probably consider it. She also said that their cut-off for induction is after 42 weeks -- but with a healthy full-term baby -- and with good BP (with the exception of that one week) and strong heart rate -- she believes in spontaneous labor as the way to go.

That eased my mind somewhat -- last night as we chatted with our doula over tea (G nudged me beforehand and made some snarky comment about making tea for the doula which made me laugh. I did put out some of those Anna's cookies -- those thin Scandanavian ones -- which G and I made short work of.) The doula is thin and cat-like somehow -- with dark curly hair and measured gestures. When she passed on the Birthing Within book she said 'some of this is a little woo-woo and if you can tell by now I'm not terribly woo-woo" -- which made me sort of laugh and think she was a good fit -- both for me and for G. I am probably more aligned with the ideas in that book (the journaling, the drawing) than she, which I found sort of funny. She's practical and kind -- and after the last visit she reached out to give me a hug -- which felt natural and nice -- but I'm so reserved if left to my own devices I probably would have wanted to hug her but felt awkward. She hugged G last night too and we're feeling very positive about the interactions.

We sat in the kitchen -- which really is the coziest place in the house -- and talked over the birth plan again -- discussed various exercises I can be doing --really determining that the biggest question for me is the piece concerning how it begins -- and if we do start with my water breaking then I know myself and know that regardless of what the doula gently suggests if the doctors say 'come in immediately' I come in. G has been wonderful all along the way helping me thresh things through -- he was the one that pointed out that if my water broke it wouldn't be as if I could labor peacefully at home -- I'd still be second-guessing and worrying. He's my biggest champion here and I'm so excited to have this next step with him by my side. I know a doula wasn't his thing -- but he has been open-hearted and warm and supportive of the entire journey.

I've been steadily recuperating from the flu -- I stopped wheezing last night -- which is a relief -- it was unnerving hearing sounds coming from my lungs. I ordered that Cameron Diaz movie My Sister's Keeper OnDemand and it made me cry, of course. That led me to buy the first ever Jodi Picoult novel I've ever purchased and while I can totally see why people buy her work I find that I tend more towards the thriller/mystery side of things for what I've come to call 'bubblegum for my mind' -- when I want something to occupy me but not have to think too much about it -- it did get me brooding a little about writing again -- my career -- both picking up that novel and getting a FB request from a man from my writing program who is and always has been a brilliant poet. He's teaching in New Mexico now and I'm certain he's still working and evolving his craft -- whereas I feel so stalled I don't even know what to call myself anymore. As a reaction to the Picoult purchase I went and bought the new Joyce Carol Oates, Barbara Kingsolver, and Margaret Atwood -- and would have thrown in Maureen Howard and Alice Munro too but a girl has to hold out for something for Christmas.

I find I cannot read new or emerging writers writing literary fiction -- I have to go to the old guard.

I have to believe that life evolves and we evolve -- everything we're about and know ourselves to be -- and though, for now, my life is not about literature or writing -- I think someday I'll come back to it. I can't imagine my life feeling authentic if I don't - there are just some things that are intrinsic to who you are -- and for me the act of writing and the challenge of language is one of them -- though this blog has largely been a catalyst just to get words on a page -- very different from the 'work' as I think of it -- its been a lifesaver to keep a part of myself going.

I thought it was telling that last week when I was having a conversation about X concerning W's homework -- his lack of engagement which seems tied, ironically, to reading comprehension (or lack thereof) -- and she was saying how they were working on this unit about the Anishinabe -- and how her family's summer home is right where much of the history happened -- and I mentioned how when they were studying the Dakota I was like "dude, this is the stuff I've been researching for like five years now for my book" -- and X paused and said "what?" "I had no idea."

It's so not a visible part of my life now. It was jarring to hear her surprise.

Well, I've been a little sidetracked -- the whole infertility rearranging my entire teaching career/writing thing. I have no regrets, don't misunderstand me, but it is a bit like waking from a dream -- here at the other shore -- nearly seven years after I began daydreaming and making those first tentative steps toward motherhood and G and I would say 'whatever happens, happens' -- having no idea how long it would take for anything to happen at all. And in infertility's wake is my career -- which I willingly gave up because I recognized that this, this was the most important thing for me.

Still Here, Still Pregnant

My head is still congested and my lungs the tiniest bit wheezy -- but so much better than before the tamiflu -- when it was clear things were going to get worse quickly. I'm amazed at the swiftness of the drug-- and though part of me felt squeamish at taking it -- I knew my lungs and knew that if I felt this way at the beginning of an illness that a week down the road unmedicated was going to be rough.

It was one of the things I feared most, getting the flu -- let alone this late in the pregnancy. When I felt the first tickle I kept thinking 'let go and let god' -- that old AA adage -- how I was ready to just stop white-knuckling the fear -- just release myself into it -- if I got something -- I'd be treated -- my raw garlic cloves, grated ginger, and kim-chi fetish were clearly not doing the trick -- however I have to say the progression of whatever it is I have was different than what they tell you to expect with H1N1.

I had received the h1n1 vaccination the prior Tuesday (and had been vaccinated for the seasonal flu months before) and while I don't think it had anything to do with my getting sick, I do suspect that as my body was both creating antibodies and fighting infection that it delayed the onset somewhat -- so that I knew something was going straight to my lungs on Saturday -- I felt it -- but dismissed it as a cold because -- no fever... but by Monday I was extremely fatigued -- my feet felt encased in cement -- and by Tuesday I was still dragging -- but thinking it was a cold -- until the afternoon when the fever and aches arrived. I took the first tamiflu dose that evening and by the next afternoon my fever had gone and my lungs were clearing.

I felt well enough yesterday to take a shower and wear something other than bedclothes -- hooray! I am still taking it very very easy though because I want to be as healthy as I can in these last weeks.

I'm supposed to keep an eye out for a resurgence of symptoms -- that is where the real concern is I think -- with pneumonia -- but my hope is that this course of Tamiflu protects me from that.

Sorry for such a utilitarian post -- but I imagine that's all I'll be able to muster here for a while.

Thank you for all your well-wishes. It really does make me feel supported.

The bag is packed -- we have another meeting with our doula this Sunday evening -- I keep feeling things I suspect are braxton-hicks contractions -- and had the first sort of uterine cramping/slightly painful last night -- rather than just the tightening -- and this morning I felt a slight back cramp and something in my upper thigh -- but it went away very quickly and hasn't returned...but things seems to be happening. G keeps telling me I have to hold on until Thanksgiving at the very least...

I did so much reading earlier -- and just this morning I felt like I'd forgotten it all -- I lay in bed and thought to myself "shit, I don't even know how to swaddle a baby...how do you swaddle a baby?" and I went through the process in my head as I imagined I used to with my dolls -- ack. I read all of these books on breastfeeding and suddenly I couldn't remember anything. I wake up three times a night and have for the last three months or so -- usually attending to Lucy's clicking toenails telling me she's roaming out of bed because Henry, the fat cat, has woken her up -- and they both have conspired against me -- and so I wake up and let Lucy out, give Henry some cream -- look out to the sleeping neighborhood -- and lately I've been imagining a baby in my arms. I had a dream last week sometime where I saw her face. I remember thinking 'oh, there you are'. I felt very sure and happy.

I realized that I've written little in my journal or even here about the experience of being pregnant -- here I've been protective, or tried to be, of my readership -- but in my own life and private journal I think I couldn't write about it because I felt like I would jinx it somehow -- that it was so private and such a miracle that I wanted it close to my heart -- and to put it even in a journal -- well now I'm realizing that its coming to an end -- and I've spent nine months worrying I wouldn't reach this place -- and though my mother has her saying about wishes -- something about how worthless they are -- I do wish I'd been able to relish it a bit more, relinquish the fear earlier -- all of it.

Ah well. I am here now, and that's all I can do.

XO

P

Have Antivirals Will Travel

G. thought it quite funny when I asked him at his office if I was being 'too stoic' in reporting my symptoms -- because as you all know I'm prone to worry. But I'm also prone to want to be a 'good patient' -- and not be too much trouble, not be too demanding -- so when I'm asked if I'm achey I say "well, yes, but I'm 9 months pregnant" -- and I say that I had influenza years ago and I remember it being so much worse than how I currently feel -- which is true -- there is no immediate onset of chills and fever that then progressed to my chest -- rather I had a chest heaviness starting on Sunday - which worsened and a fever only showing up today. You know us infertiles -- we're temperature champs so I happen to know that I run a sub-temp of usually about 97.8-8 in the afternoon to evening -- lower in the morning -- and today I was 100.5. I dismissed the gurgling in my stomach last night as nerves -- and when people say 'are you short of breath' -- I say 'yes, but it's been like this for much of the pregnancy' -- (remember my MIL telling me I was breathing too loudly?) The irony of it all is that I was able to get the h1n1 vaccination last tuesday -- only to come down with this virus by Sunday -- five days short of the full immunity marker.

So when I did acknowledge that I felt totally wiped out and took my temperature to find it abnormal I called the doctor's office as they requested and so G will pick up a prescription for Tamiflu which I will begin taking tonight. Oh, and I'm 1 cm dilated.

I keep thinking of the "Birthing from Within" book -- which has a nice premise that it isn't how we birth -- whether at home, with a cesarean, with an epidural immediately or with a water birth -- it's how we come to the birth in our minds -- and in our hearts --and so I'm trying to focus on that, no matter what the path to reach there -- healthy mom and healthy baby.

38 Weeks and Fighting a Cold

Yuck.

How's that for an exciting update? I was going to write this morning but I ran out of steam.

Not Really What I Wanted to Hear

So. I haven't talked much about my own wrestling with the birth process and things because, well this was an infertility blog and there's only so much you probably want to hear about my internal wrestlings over epidurals or no....but I will say that after quite a bit of reading, your advice to investigate doulas, a very affirming birthing intensive class at a local yoga studio -- I have felt a sense of calm about the birth process -- knowing what I preferred going into it, trusting my body to be healthy and not betray me (as I'd felt for so long struggling with infertility which had nearly crushed my own belief in my body) -- so, in sum, I was at peace -- dare I say even.. excited.

And then this morning I had my 37 week OB appt. where I learned two things:

1. I am group b strep positive -- thus -- no laboring at home if water were to break -- directly to IV antibiotics without passing go. I understand why but I am still sort of bummed out about it.

2. They detected a slightly elevated protein level (+1 according to my clinics rating system) -- and a slightly elevated blood pressure -- though it was lower on the second try. I did notice that when I took my BP at home my diastolic pressure was in the 85 - 90 whereas in previous testings it was 65-70. If my protein remains elevated or were to go higher -- as with the BP -- and of course any other symptoms -- then I will be induced -- though it was unclear as to when that might happen.

They want me to keep an eye on other symptoms -- which of course has me evaluating every tinge --(did that abdominal cramp the other night signal something foreboding...)

Suddenly I am back on the medicalized bandwagon.

When the OB told me I actually said "shucks" -- I wanted to say 'fuuuuuuuck' -- but I was trying to be ladylike. "Darn." So Minnesotan of me.

So, any words of wisdom always welcome.

Perfect Moment Monday

Last week the sun returned. There were no clouds in the sky and it was nearly 60 degrees here -- and after the early October snows which killed my dahlias and caused trees to drop their leaves early -- it was a day of fall the way we imagine it here on the best days. I took a camping chair and put it out in the backyard where Lucy snuffled through the leaves along the fenceline and I just turned my face towards the sun. There is that moment where turned leaves just drift down in the blue sky -- and skitter across the roads. W's bus pulled up and he must have seen me in the yard because he came straight to the backyard with a "hey."

We chatted and he stood around my chair shifting his backpack from arm to arm -- and then set it down. He started singing a snippet from John Denver's Country Roads and I sang with him -- in my incredibly off tune voice -- I told him how that was my favorite song as a child -- and how I would sing 'crunchy roads' -- but even then at that age -- what, six or so, the lyrics struck me -- as if a country road could take me home -- there was some mythical home somewhere that I would find myself in...and I remembered too in that moment as he and I both sang that on the days that I was happy I would sing and sing -- sing while I did dishes, sing myself to sleep -- and my mother always said she would smile to herself as she heard me -- very often it was 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' -- from my favorite childhood movie.

There's no place like home.

And W made a move to sit on my left leg -- my left knee has been tender in pregnancy --and I patted my right leg and said come and sit over here -- and he sat on my right leg and then folded his long body over mine and collapsed into my arms for a long, sweet hug.

It was undoubtedly, a perfect moment.

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